life is hard. Change is hard. Cancer is hard. Life before cancer is hard, life after cancer is hard, life during cancer is hard, and so they say that Joy comes in the morning, but sometimes I wonder if that’s really true.

I sit here in my new back yard, listening to the fountain that is next to our house. The sound is peaceful, relaxing and I’m thankful for it. The breeze is blowing on my face from the cool air, and my heart is numb.

Okay, I lied. Nothing about my heart is numb. Rather, my heart is broken, into pieces. lots and lots of pieces.

Broken…because my outward appearance may show that things are going pretty well. And, some days things are going pretty well. I am moving through life, working, being a wife and a mom, and doing the stuff of life. Through social media and a few short communications with, part of my life is watching a few other families dealing with their children fighting their own battles with illness or cancer of some sort, whether it be after or before treatment. Once you are in the world of pediatric cancer, it never really goes away. Even when the doctor’s say the cancer is gone and the battle is won, 1 thing every cancer mom or dad knows all too well, is that cancer will always be present, even if all those stupid cells never return. Even when you’re beautiful 3 yr old loses her battle to cancer, and the cancer is gone since her precious body is gone, the cancer leaves a trail of destruction behind. like a hurricane, fire, or tornado that we have seen so much of these past few weeks. so much changes. so much sucks. So much collateral damage.

Broken, because I am lonely.

Broken, because I am sad, confused and tired.

Broken, because I am struggling with how to be a good mom and wife and friend.

Broken, because my role as a mom has been redefined. I remain a stepmom, as I have for almost 10 yrs now. I remain a mother to out 8 yr old. I now am a mother to a beautiful daughter who fought for her life fought hard, with beauty, and bravery, and sass, and spunk, and often sparkles, bubbles or a soft pink cape. damn it!!! What I wouldn’t give to see her strut down those hospital halls in that pink cape. damn it, damn it, damn it!

Broken, because at 37 years old we finally have the privilege of being homeowners for the 1st time. I wanted to buy my first house at 24 yrs old. I have been anxiously awaiting for it to be our time to be in that club.

Broken, because homeownership is not all sunshine and roses. We have an incredibly beautiful house. we have plenty of space in this house. plenty of rooms we still need to furnish and put together. it’s a good problem to have. I am ok that we have room to grow. We have an office that I have dreamed of for years, full of boxes waiting to have bookshelves so I can unpack our books.

Broken, because while we now have this beautiful home, with lots of space, only 1 friend has come to see it. No family members have come to enjoy it with us. Adjusting to living an hour away from the place we built our life over the past 11 yrs is hard.

Sadie sits giving me company, Rusty too, and even my new friend Mr. spider, who keeps climbing around and around my patio chair.

All of this brokenness is real, very real, but most days it’s just background noise in my life. Most days, it doesn’t stop me from enjoying a joyful life. Then there’s those other days.

I don’t want to be cancer, I don’t want to be grief, I don’t want to be loneliness, I don’t want to be broken.

I want to Be Brave.

Here’s a few photos from this past week. I think the tiredness has kicked in for Kathryn, at least she has some time to rest.

Our office…

#luvmybeautifulmess

bowtie Thursday…why!? Why not!?

Shortly after Ellie’s passing, one of the verses that stood out to me was 1 Corinthians 13:13. Today, I will step a verse back to share 1 Corinthians 13: 12 – 13

12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

THESE 3 REMAIN. Faith, Hope, Love. The greatest is Love

THESE 3 REMAIN. Trevor, Reese, and Kathryn

Recently, I added THESE 3 REMAIN. Bill, Kathryn and I. Since the boys are older, it is most often the 3 of us together.

THESE 3 REMAIN. Father, Son, Holy Spirit

THESE 3 REMAIN.

As I wrote this, I journaled it. So, much of the rest will be in pictures of my journal.

I am sure some of you are thinking as you read that, “How can she say she is ready to die when she has 3 remaining children here!? Friends, family, coworkers, students to teach.” Trust me, there was a lot of guilt I felt as I thought those thoughts. How could I be ok leaving my other 3 children and giving up on all those other opportunities in life. All those beautiful milestones I would miss out on. There is no good answer to that. Your mind does some wicked things in the midst of intense grief. There just is no good answer…Just like there is no good answer to how a parent decides how to navigate life with 1 child in Heaven, and the other 3 walking here on Earth. Talk about a heart being torn apart.

Heaven. Hell on Earth. Because when we think about the contrast between Heaven and living on Earth with sin, it is in some ways like living in Hell. One thing that just occurredto me though is that one distinct difference is that on Earth, Hope remains. It Hell, it cannot.

…if we are still here on Earth, there is someone here for us to impact.

While I still couldn’t fully worship God in church today, I felt His presence. I believe that those worshipping around me were doing so at time that I was unable to, and in a way that I could not.

I don’t know about you, but I often have times where my thoughts are moving so fast that I fell like I am unable to capture them and put them into anything that makes sense. At the same time, I feel this overwhelming need to put them in order and get them out. At this particular moment, that’s what’s happening. It’s 11:23 am and I worked out a few hours ago, had some coffee and got cleaned up. Then the thoughts start zipping around in my head. Here’s my best attempt to share them with you.

My dominant emotion or feeling right now is of thankfulness. Some of my most recent posts have had the feeling of sadness, heartache and pain. While depression is definitely something that I am battling in a way that I never have, I must take some time to express my thankfulness. I belief firmly in doing our best to walk in thanks. Thanks to God, thanks to those around us, and thanks to those that we may never see in person or meet, but they open themselves up to the world. I have seen some tough stories lately about families dealing with sickness. There is a 2 yr girl that was just diagnosed with MDS in another country, but we are connected through an online MDS group. My heart wants to reach out to her, tell her it’s going to be ok. But then, there’s this thing called defeat. The MDS and leukemia defeated our daughter, your granddaughter, your niece, your friend, your sister, your child’s sister, your friend’s friends friends sister…you get the point. I know I am not the only one mourning Ellie’s loss. There is something simply magical about carrying a baby with you for 9 months, and then meet them and care for them. For that opportunity and gift, I will always be thankful. There is also something gutwrencing about losing your child to death that you carried for 9 months. I know that I am not the only one to experience this, and I also know that I will not be the last. Mothers lose their children to death every day.

So I have tried many things to deal with grief over the last 6 months. One of which is working out, and I recently started seeing a new counselor, in addition to my counselor that has walked me through the last couple of years of life. While I will continue to see my previous counselor, I experienced something new with the counselor I saw yesterday. I don’t know the technical terms for it, but it is some sort of color therapy. I know there is science behind it, but from my perspective, I was looking at a picture of a horizontal lines of the colors of the rainbow. Then she had a process that she would walk me through and ask me questions about my grief. There was some deep breathing, some questions asked of me to share things, and then we finished. I worked through some tough parts of my grief that I have had a hard time putting into words. And, when I was done, I felt better. The goal was accomplished so I will try it again. Life is work. Grief is work. Marriage is work. Parenting is work. Working out is…WORK.

Life will not be easy, and the Bible tells us that we will have trials. Not if, not when. But when we do, read James 1.

So, I will end with my overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I am thankful to those of you that get up and out and workout with me. It has helped me in ways I can’t explain. I am thankful to the trainers that get ready for all the campers to show up and push us past where we think we can go. I am thankful for friends who meet me where I am. Meet me in my joy, my blubbering words, my desire to have some fun, escape at a concert, swim at the pool. All these things, the stuff is helping. While I still know there is no magic answer to this pain, I do know that I do have some magical people in my life. And magical people that I have yet to meet. My greatest hope is that I may be an encouragement to you. That my working and doing the stuff inspires you to tackle whatever difficulty is in front of you.

Going into this summer, I planned to workout under my new workout program, but it is an hour outdoors in whatever the weather may be that day. I hate working out in the heat. Heat is good for swimming, and that’s about it in my opinion. I was very scared to attempt working out in the heat. Ideal weather for me to workout is 55 degrees. But, guess what. Heat is ok. And, I often think of those that live in places where they don’t have the luxury of air conditioning, or a house protecting them from the elements. I started my workout program in March, and to date, I have worked out over 40 days (1 hour each time) in the elements. For nature and the sun, and trees, I am thankful. It has not been easy and there may been some not nice words said during my workouts, but it is done. It is finished. And, I move forward with Hope that I will continue to find myself in times of thankfulness. Thank you!

Love,

Jen

By Jenna

I told you, my hope remains. Always changing hopes, but hope will remain. At church Saturday night, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs (I have a few of those).

“I will remain
confident in this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord.
I will see your goodness.
I set my hope on you, Lord.
Come on we set our hope on him, sing it out!
We set our hope on You.
We set our hope on Your Love.
We set our hope on the One,
Who is the Everlasting
God”

Everlasting God

If I am transparent, I wasn’t feeling the worship that day. 4 songs into church and I couldn’t surrender to God. I used to love to worship God through music. I love music, lots of kinds of music, but there is something pretty incredible about being in a place of worship, surrounded by others, lifting their voices up in surrender to our Heavenly Father. For years now, that has been such a transforming time for me. My heart has been softened through worship, my eyes opened, and my love renewed for God, and even those around me. It cleanses me. Something changed for me when I lost Ellie. My heart has hardened. My thoughts are different, my eyes focus on things I never saw before. I am a big believer in this quote…maybe minus the destiny part.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”

― Mahatma Gandhi

I am doing “the stuff”. Hoping that the stuff will make magic happen. I am an impatient person, I get bored easily, and poor impulse control will take over if I let it. I still hate that Ellie is no longer with us. Every day I hate it. I know, there are some ways to look at the brighter side. All those lovely cliches. “At least she’s in a better place”, “you still have 3 other kids”, “she is no longer hurting”. Yes, those may all be true, but it still sucks, and there is no magic answer. No magic answer to the hurt that I feel on a daily basis, even when my smile shows. Even when I seem to be ok, I’m not. There’s no magic answer to the myriad of things that will still cross my mind, or steal my happy heart, or my kid’s minds, or anyone that is also missing Ellie. Passing by the cutest 3 yr old, and wishing I still had my 3 yr old, Hearing of a 4th birthday, and remembering that my Ellie Grace never made it to hers. Well, those damn triggers again. I won’t keep going, but I am sure you can imagine. I remember Ellie turning 3 and being so thankful for that. That she lived to 3. That is just straight crazy, and nothing a mother should have to be thankful for. Or should we, should we treasure the little things so much more. I know I still struggle with that. I was hoping that there was magic that each new holiday, celebration, or exciting event would now be filled with pure joy and excitement. And, while I try, I am unsuccessful at feeling pure Joy. I do the stuff, I invite the people, I put the event on the calendar, but still no magic. No magic answer.

I don’t really like magic anyway. It just stresses me out and makes me mad that I don’t know how it is happening. I wanted God to show me magic in the way of healing of Ellie so she could stay on earth with us.

Don’t get me wrong, every day is not all doom and gloom as it may sound here. There are tough times though, and I know that will continue for ever. It will never go away. It will change, and so will life, and I do hope that we can create wonderful memories with people, and change lives for the better while here on Earth. I do believe it possible.

I was thrilled to be able to hear Steven Furtick speak this weekend, and I was hoping for God to show up and speak to me. And, he did. So, there’s that. I’ll take that and be thankful for it. He said that God is in the Gaps. Well, that’s good. I am not sure when the gap closes, but we press on.

https://youtu.be/gD_Lf7nWL3M

For now, I will be content with no magic. For now, I will continue to Hope. Continue to Hope that I will again see the goodness of the Lord.

Love,

Jen

So, here is step 1 in facing 1 of my greatest fears…Being vulnerable with an audience of no limit. Opening my heart up to the heartless vultures of the online world. For many of you that know me, you know that I really struggled with opening up about our daughter Elizabeth’s medical battle with myelodysplastic syndrome(MDS) and ultimately Acute Myeloid Leukemia(AML). I have never wanted to be in a fish bowl. Looking back, I think fear was the biggest reason for that. I shared recently on Ellie’s caringbridge that I think fear is my greatest demon. That fear has kept me from so many things. I was not very involved as a child. I was shy, I know, for some of you, you don’t believe that. I was that child that hung onto my Mom’s leg when strangers would approach. As a young person, I don’t know what drove my fear, but I do think that now, it is fear of failure, rejection, criticism, exposed shame, and so much more.

So, a blog. UGH. A blog. I said those ugly words. What the heck is a blog anyway, a place to talk about yourself, brag, even more so than a social networking site. So much so, that I made the effort to go out and create my very own blog site. I think I am that important, right!? Oh my. Oh well. No, that’s not it. I know that I have made lots of mistakes, I have said lots of things that I would like to take back, pretend I never said, and there are numerous things that I am not happy to have in my background of decisions. That being said, shame and fear have kept me quiet for longer than I think I can handle. I can’t say for sure that God has called me to do this, but I am stepping out in faith that God will use me to help others. I am a school teacher, and as the school started to come to a close, I started to open up a little more to my students about my daughter’s journey and how that affected me. Also, how I thought I could use the heartbreaking journey to help others. And, as part of our Dave Ramsey curriculum teaches that the ultimate financial goal is build wealth and give. I shared my story to encourage them that giving is on the greatest things to be a part of in life. I believe that God has work to do through me. What that is, I don’t know. But, I have been encouraged by the words of others, and even if my vulnerability helps just one person, it is worth it.

After our daughter lost her battle with AML in January of 2017, my world came crashing down. All the fighting and energy put into trying to figure out how she can be healed felt in some ways all for not. Raw emotion was a constant part of my life. Navigating this thing called grief has not been fun. There was one thing that stuck in my head from the beginning of the season after her passing. These 3 remain. Faith, Hope, and Love. I clung to this, and still do. As many of you know, I was Chasing Hope many times through Ellie’s battle. When she passed, although I was hoping she could be like Lazarus, Jesus, or the little girl that was raised from the dead, my hope was not that great in those things. My hope has changed, and will continue to change, but not only do these 3 remain, but so do our 3 children. And, one of the hardest things about working through the grief of losing one child is that I have 3 other children to care for, love on, lift up, guide and be a parent to. And, even though some days getting out of bed was an incredibly hard thing to do, or some days, it barely happened, I always knew that God had 3 more kids that needed me. And, I was blessed to be their parent.

So, this blog has no defined path, just like, despite what we might like to think, none of our lives do either. I do believe there will be healing for me through this, as somehow, writing for me is therapy. I hope that it may be therapy for others as well.

Ellie was so brave through her battle, and that is the resounding encouragment and hope for all of you. Is that you Be Brave, like Ellie. I know her life touched so many people, and will continue to do so.

“Well, I believe that the depth of your struggle can determine the height of your success. I was inspired to come out of everything I’ve been through and end up in a place where I never thought that I would be.” R. Kelly

The irony of this quote is that while I don’t probably know as much as I should about R Kelly, I do know that our funeral director for Ellie’s funeral was R Kelly. I had put this quote in my phone because I heard it on the radio, and did not know the author of it. Upon research, I found out it was from R Kelly. Well, different R Kelly, interesting coincidence.

Be Brave, and know that these 3 remain…

1 Corinthians 13:13
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.