There is something beautiful about being awake as the sun rises It is new and fresh, and as someone that wakes slowly, there is beauty and peace in the subtle emerging of light upon the morning. There is also something beautiful about the night, once many have gone to bed, the night is quiet and sleeping is the most common occurrence. There is peace, there is rest, and for me there is the invitation to fall into the night with my many ponderings of the world, the people in it, the way we move about, the way we love each other, or don’t love each other. I have year over year found myself getting lost in the seeming abyss of the night. So much so, sometimes, that I wake the next day so tired from my nighttime ponderings, or sleep the day away to rest from the awakened night.

While I have so often found revelation in the quiet, I also have found creativity in my darkest times. Back before I was a Christian, I often reveled in music artists or writers that seemed to have the most creative outpourings during their drug induced stages of life, or even their most depressing times of life. Why is this?

I may wonder for years, but will still seek the truth and revelation of this. I feel often that I live in the land of limbo. Stuck between 2 truths. In most recent years, that looks like the frustration I have with the perceived perfection that is most often portrayed on social media. I may have even gotten into a debate or two about this frustration I had. Now, backtrack many years before social media emerged. Before MySpace, or Prodigy, or the World Wide Web. When life was simpler, yet we didn’t know the complexities that were coming our way. At that time, I hadn’t learned much about having a filter for my thoughts that were put into words, I loved to argue, just to argue. I can’t tell you why I did, but those that knew me then would scream a big fat, AMEN! “Yes she did like to argue.” At that time in my life, I would have said things like, “ I am just being honest.” As if, somehow that would negate any negativity that preceded it.  I have treasured deep meaningful conversations for decades and feel most fulfilled when those late nights filled with these conversations occupy my time.

I would like to think that my filter has gotten better, my words just don’t fly out like they used to. Those that know me now and not then might disagree with that, but guess what!? They didn’t hear me before said “filter”. Oh, what a joy I was.

Anyway, it has been over 2 years since our youngest daugther passed away, after a courageous fight with leukemia. Our 3 year old, sweet, funny and innocent daughter, who hadn’t lived enough life for sin to manifest in sickness. Now, I know that may bother some, but this is the way this Mom sees it.

I wrestle with this seeming false perception that so many of us put out into the world. Now, I have little experience with Instagram, but I believe that there is a phrase regarding photos, such as “Instagram worthy”. My understanding of this may be incorrect, but I assume it to mean that the photo is polished and hand selected from what may be 20+ images taken. Just to find the perfect one. I remember a time when we took photos and had to wait for the film to be developed to see how the pictures turned out. There was no going back in time to retake the photo, or take 2 of the image. We did our best in the moment, and we were so much more okay with how it turned out.

I am currently in a book study about Lysa Terkeurst’s newest book, “It’s not supposed to be this way” I am only on chapter 1, but I am already gleaning so much goodness and truth from it. I feel like she is saying so much of what has been in my heart and mind over the past few years, but I have been unable to articulate in such a way as she is able to.

My greatest hope is that by sharing my beautiful mess of a life that you too will be brave and encouraged to not be so hell bent on sharing perceived perfection.

Lysa says, “Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.

DAMN! I sure didn’t know that I needed to hear that, but I did.

She later says, “ Disappointment isn’t proof that God is withholding good things from us. Sometimes it’s His way of leading us Home.

Now, this is so much for me:

“We do our very best to make others think this posted picture is the real deal. But we all know the truth. We all see the charade. We all know the emperor is naked. But there we are, clapping on the sidelines, following along, playing the game. Trying to believe that maybe, just maybe, if we get close to something that looks like perfection it will help us snag a little of its shine for ourselves.” Lysa Terkeurst.

“And I do believe that we need to be grateful and positive and let our faith boss our feelings around.” “In the quiet, unexpressed unwrestled-through disappointments, Satanis handcrafting his most damning weapons against us and those we love.”

“If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us.”

And, my last Lysa quote for today, “The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself-and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again. Where we will finally have peace and security and eyes that no longer leak tears…and hearts that are no longer broken.”

Oh, Ellie. I so long for the day that I believe I will see you again. In Heaven, with no pain, no sickness, no discomfort. I long to hold you again, yet I have heard that the fulfillment of holding your child in your arms has no comparison to how Heaven feels.

I encourage you to be brave and real. Don’t live in that place of disappointment and brokenness, but use it to propel you forward.

Faith, Hope and Love. Some days I feel like I am barely hanging on. Not sure what that really means, but this life after loss is tough. I do what I think is the right thing and then this grief just hits me. It is not like it was in the 1st few months. It still hurts like hell though. Sometimes I just wish I could have permission to sneak away for a month and not have to worry about bills, or calendars, or anything that real life requires. Now, I know many of you know that I am a school teacher and I have quite a few more days “off” work than most other people not in education. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that I take these things for granted. Maybe I do though. I am hurting right now. Something about August 1st I think. There are many things I know. One of those is that in just a couple of weeks, Ellie would have been turning 5 years old, and starting kindergarten, if life would have been what we thought it would be.

We relocated our home and for a year, my 9 yr old daughter and I commuted all school year, which made our daily time in the car between 2.5 – 3 hrs most days. We did our best to make the most of it. I loved the school I was teaching at, and we had too many changes in our life that I just couldn’t imagine adding finding a new job and leaving my school that felt like home to me. We powered through the school year, we did this gypsycouchsurfing thing, I made connections with coworkers and students that I am forever thankful for. I got to work at the school where our 2nd oldest son and his long-time girlfriend graduated from in June. For all these things I am so thankful. Now, during this time my marriage frankly took a backseat, and I know that my husband struggled due to us commuting. Our new house is a bit bigger than our old one and the big, new house can be pretty quiet when you are alone. I can’t pretend to imagine how hard that must have been for my husband. My daughter and I left early in the morning and most days didn’t get home until after 7 pm. And, then there were the nights where we gypsy couch surfed, where we didn’t come home at all because we opted to stay with a friend close to where I worked to save on commute time. While we had amazing moments with friends that never would have happened, I do know that some of those nights were particularly lonely for my husband.

I am struggling now, missing Ellie like crazy, and having a hard time. Some days it is not so tough, but there is always this underlying feeling of sadness.

We have been approved to attend a camp soon in Colorado that is for families that have lost children. I find myself having moments where I feel so lucky that we are able to go. Then I catch myself and say, “What the hell!?!?” I GET to go to this camp because I lost my sweet child, my lovely, playful, snuggly and innocent child. She didn’t even have enough time to make bad health choices that could have caused any sickness. And, so many times I really do just want to scream outloud, “WHAT THE $*@^%!?!?!?!” But I don’t, and I really don’t think it would help. I know working out helps me. And, allows me to release some of that emotion. I haven’t worked out this week, and I think that is impacting my mood.

Plus, I will no longer be working full-time as a teacher, and while I really do think it is the right decision for our family, I have moments where I am super freaked out about it. I loved teaching high school, I loved having a classroom to decorate and make my own, connecting with students and teaching them, laughing with them, and hurting with them in their own struggles. Last year while we commuted, I really didn’t have time or energy to focus on our new community. I want to slow down for a year and allow our family to take some time to connect and try to connect with our other 3 kids that are still here with us. With this, I know that there will be some financial sacrifices and things we will have to say no to. I am scared of the financial burden this will place on my family, and also the additional quiet time it will create not being so busy. I ebb and flow between keeping a super busy schedule to struggling to get out of bed. Like, being a college student stuck in bed kind of thing.

I struggle with feeling guilty about that. I know some people look at me and think it must be nice to have such a quiet life, with just the 3 of us most of the time. That quiet though comes with IMMEASURABLE SACRIFICE, PAIN LIKE NO OTHER, AND THE DESIRE TO JUST SCREAM SO LOUD.

Catch you on the flipside.

I have always had some sort of fascination with numbers.

One of those I have recently grown more and more fond of. 8.13.13

The beginning of a journey that I never could have predicted. The day that Elizabeth Grace was born. The 4th child in our family.

At Ellie’s visitation, we were brought the gift of a beautiful picture with one of the most important verses in my life.

These 3 remain. They ebb and flow, these 3 things, Faith, Hope and Love. And at any particular time, one of them may be more prevalent than another.

This gift was such a blessing to us at such a difficult time. It signified so much. The thoughtfulness of the giver. It is beautiful, and I know so is the heart behind it. The meaning of it to so many throughout time, including us. To me, to our family, and to God. I know each one of us have very different experiences in life. Whether we were in our mother’s tummy, to not see the light of day, or whether we are grown and have seen the sun rise and fall over and over again.

One day a few weeks ago, I was walking through our neighborhood with a friend of mine and our children. At the end of our neighborhood, there is one of my most favorite houses. It has a beautiful courtyard, and something about it just speaks to me. There is also a beautiful wooden bench in front of it, with a verse carved in it. This verse…my verse. Now our verse.

1 Corinthians 13:13

It says this:

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And, it occured to me, somehow for the very 1st time. That is her date. 8.13.13 the day I held Ellie in my arms for the 1st time. And looked at Bill and said she is perfect. The words, “she is perfect.” just came out, and at that time, I had no idea the gravity of what those words would mean to me just a few years later.

The gift that we were given to remind us of a verse, and coincidentally, the day that Ellie was born. Something about these numbers. It gave me chills and stopped me in my tracks. I shared what I just discovered with my friend, and there was no doubt in her mind, that something was happening through these numbers.

So, this weekend, we went to Lubbock to see our oldest son and spend the Easter weekend with him. Unfortunately, our other son and his girlfriend were not able to make the trip with us. We are trusting that we enjoy time with them soon.

We enjoyed the weekend, keeping life simple and exploring Lubbock. One thing that was important to me was to attend church. Since we were somewhere we didn’t live, we took the recommendation of a friend. A few days prior, I looked up the church, and noticed there are several locations for this church. After I looked up the various locations, I picked one, based on logistic locations. As I pulled up the map this Easter Sunday, the numbers were brought to my mind in quite a peculiar way.

1313 13th St.
Lubbock, TX 79401

What!?!?

Just struck me and I didn’t share with anyone around me this seemingly strange coincidence. I did, however, feel an overwhelming feeling that Ellie was saying Hello through this. You see, Easter, without your youngest child with you, is quite tough. I think some of us in our family tried to pretend that it isn’t. Creating new memories, new adventures, and embracing the life that we now live.

This weekend we saw Prairie Dog Town. So, it’s totally a thing. Who knew!? Those prairie dogs are pretty cute, and fascinating. Then we walked around and enjoyed some gorgeous cars – 1963 and older. Why can’t I have 1 of those!? 😂😂😂. I love me some beautiful older cars, steel bodies, engines that rumble and roar, and the beauty of a simple car interior. Then we enjoyed a nice dinner with our daughter, son and his friends! Good company, beautiful weather, and a gorgeous West Texas sunset.

W

We attended a Sunday service at this church, and as we watched videos of Jesus on the cross. And, it made me mad. Mad that Jesus went through such physical and emotional pain. Mad, that as Christians, we seem to tend to view this as such a beautiful thing. Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. Bloody and beaten, we give thanks and sing Hallelujah that our sins are forgiven. Now, with the loss of Ellie, I really try not to ask the questions why. I don’t think I would get an answer that would make me feel any better. In fact, the answer might just make me more angry.

Before Ellie passed away, I would think about what a sacrifice it was for God to give His only son. And, as I reflect back, I didn’t often think about Mary and Joseph and how it felt for them. To lose Jesus. They were on this earth, walking and moving around, not up there like God himself. They had wrapped their arms around Jesus. Cared for him, snuggled him. Done their best to keep him out of harms way. I know most of you would agree that there is nothing quite like babies and puppies. We oooh and awe at them. Our hearts are full when we snuggle them.

This world we live in is quite peculiar. This Christian thing is really pretty wild and crazy.

Onward we move…with

Faith, Hope, and Love.

I wanted to share some some thoughts I’ve had lately about grief and my experience with it through losing Ellie. We recently had some friends of ours lose their four-year-old daughter to cancer and while we know it’s definitely hard for the family, it brought some things out in I believe both Bill and I. There are some things that I believe we can relate to with his family. We both know what it’s like to lose a child to cancer, even if it’s a different kind. And there’s probably a list of other things that we can share in common with this family. I also know that there are definitely some things that are different. I can never begin to say that I know what it’s like to be the parents of the little girl that they lost, it’s a different family, and a different cancer, it’s a different story. And with that, become more challenges than I expected and trying to see how we can be helpful to them. What I do know is our hearts are heavy for their loss, and I would say that we have a great willingness to support them in whatever way we feel like we can. I must say that I have never seen Bill so willing to do whatever I come up with or brainstorm of how we could help this family. It sure does suck that through this loss is the way that we feel the most connected to them. And while it sucks, Bill and I do believe that we have a unique position to help people that others can’t. And we do believe that good will come from the loss of Elizabeth. Sometimes it’s really really hard to say those words, and even over a year after her passing, I still have times were I’m in disbelief that this is really the path that we’re walking. It’s not like I question whether she still is on Earth with us walking around or whether she’s not, it’s more along the lines of how in the world did this really happen to my family. But then I think if it didn’t happen to my family, it’s gonna happen to somebody’s family, right? Is that the way it works? I mean before Ellie we never really knew of any kids with cancer, it always happened to “those other people”. What the h*** does that mean anyway? Who are those other people? And obviously there are many things I don’t understand of this path that has been laid in front of us so I have to just trust that there will be healing through this process. And that leads me to one of my most recent thoughts about grief.

As I was thinking about grief recently I related it to a gaping wound. Now I mean one of those big ugly almost raw to the bone gaping wounds. The kind that is hard to look at, the kind that is hard to touch, the kind that takes lots and lots of time to heal. To me that’s what grief feels like…Like a big Raw gaping wound. So I’m still formulating my thoughts on how that healing process works, but some things that have come to mindare these 3 remain. What heals a gaping wound? Let’s start with Faith. Faith in what? Then there’s Hope. I guess Hope should always remain. For sure, I have seen that Hope change. While Ellie was battling cancer, we Hoped that she would be healed. And, not the healing that she ulitmately received. Hope that she would be fully healed to live life and make memories here on earth with us. And, I must say, I often go back and forth on this one. The whole, “she’s in a better place” thing. I get it, I trust it, but is that really true is still a question in my mind. I trust that she is in a better place, and frankly, I envy that sometimes. Now, don’t confuse that with any sort of interest in suicide. There is some sort of peace I feel though, that once it is my time to go, bring it on. And, Ellie and I will be reunited. Hope has certainly changed now though. Somedays it is just Hope that I can find some sort of joy in the day in front of me.
Then Love. The greatest commandment. The Bible says Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and then Love others as yourself.

May your gaping wound be healed through Faith, Hope and Love. As I cling to these things, may you feel a peace that transcends all understanding.

It is Tuesday night and we have been to two HopeKids events this week already.

Last night we got to go to the Stars game and tonight we attended a dinner for parents who have lost a child. It turned out to be just the perfect night with just the right company and conversation. It is no understatement that my faith has been rocked after Ellies passing, but moments like tonight remind me God is with us.

We saw a sweet young lady of just four years fight a battle with cancer for a few years. Our hearts are broken as she lost her life to cancer and her family is mourning. It is tough to see, and we know all too well the tough road ahead. We also know the road has lots of love and hope!!

This is a post from a few weeks ago, but wanted to share.

This past week has been busy, but as I reflect and am in the midst of it, I can’t help think that I am living in love..
As many of you know, one of my favorite verses is these 3 remain and that’s also the name of my blog. These 3 remain… Faith, hope and love.

As I fight depression consistently, while facing my fears and battling my faith, and hoping for forgiveness.
I hate that Ellie left us so soon and I hate that we had to watch her fight an ugly battle with cancer. I hate so many things about losing Ellie and I miss her more than words could ever describe. It hurt so much that I would probably say I’m avoiding feeling most emotions on a pretty regular basis.

Since Ellie passed away, my perspective on life has definitely changed. You might have heard me say YOLO once or twice. And while at 1 time that was a trendy phrase, it guides me through my day. And as I think about this week, I have been able to do many things that I love. And actually as I think about it, it is bold week with Camp Gladiator and I haven’t worked out all week. I just didn’t feel like I have the capacity to but I do look forward to getting back into it next week. That is definitely one of the things I love… and hate.

So interesting story about this week. Our family has been attending the Oaks Church in Red Oak, and while we have not committed to this church as our new church home, we have committed to it for a 6 week study that they are leading by John Maxwell called Today Matters. So the pastor at the church is Pastor Scott Wilson, and for my gypsy couch surfing this week we spent Wednesday night with the amazing Brown family. They invited us to their 1st Wednesday service at their church. And as Angel was telling me about what was happening that evening she told me that Pastor Scott Wilson from the Oaks Church would be speaking. As I read the text I was a little bit confused knowing that he is our pastor from the church were are currently attending. As I asked more questions, for this 1st Wednesday event they have different speakers come through and speak at their church, and pastor Scott Wilson had never spoken at their church for this event. So I don’t know what it means, but there is something very intriguing about the fact that I’ve never spent a Wednesday evening in rockwall overnight and the one that we did happen to, our Pastor from Red Oak Texas was in rockwall Texas. This gypsy girl was amazed. It was wonderful to catch up with friends from elementary and high school in their home.

Then Thursday night, we attended a Hope Kids event date night in Southlake Texas at a place called Taste Buds kitchen. Taught us how to make sushi and dumplings. It was a wonderful time and we are so very thankful for this group HOPEKids. I remember 1st learning about them in Ellie’s oncology doctors office. There were signs in each patient room. The signs would list the events for the month, and it would say something to the effect of that it was a group for children with life threatening conditions. In the beginning I was always torn as I looked at those signs. As many of you know I am a social person and love any events. Part of me wanted to be able to take advantage of some fun times, and then the other part of me wondered if our Ellie grace was in the category of life threatening condition. What a dilemma we had. So many mixed emotions with that, and then over time as Ellie’s illness progressed, we did in fact have our very own HopeKid. That’s what they call the child that qualifies the family for being part of the Hope Kids family. That damn word hope. We hung on to Hope! Hope that Ellie would be cured, hope that she would live with us forever on this Earth while we were here, and so many other hopes. What I didn’t realize at the time, was that we are still a part of the Hope Kids family, even after our sweet Hope Kid is no longer with us earth after losing her life tp that same life threatening illness that took her life. Our HopKid Ellie actually never got to attend a single hope kids event because of her illness. With so many mixed emotions about being part of this family, the love hope and open arms they have received us with, we are so incredibly grateful for. And for the reasons that I have spoken about above, I have not shared much about being part of this family. It was just too hard for me to articulate.
Tonight, we get to see you one of our good friends play in his band and get to catch up with friends and hear awesome music. This morning my commute to work was a little different since Kat stayed with a friend near her school last night, and I drove into work by myself. I got to sleep in a bed without the rush of getting Kat ready for school and there on time. I got to spend more time with Bill before work, and then a car ride listening to the music that I want it to without any request. Sometimes y’all it’s the little things. So as I jammed out to DJ Icey loud and proud in my car, I was reminded of all the love that surrounds me. Also I was reminded that I believe that we should all live out our lives doing the things that we love, because today matters and there is no other moment than now. And I will stress myself out about planning just like the best of them.
So a reminder to live in the moment, live in what you love is just what I needed today. I hope that this encourages you.

Some of my absolute greatest loves…God, which I’m still trying to understand. I love music and sunsets, and there’s nothing quite like a bad a** beat drop.

God only knows

As we drove into downtown this morning, the song Bless the Lord oh my soul was playing, and as the sun was considering rising, and the grey sky was covering the cityscape, my heart was conflicted between heartache and peace. I felt the presence of God. I was filled with joy and thankfulness for Ellie being in our lives. For being trusted with the life of such an amazing daughter. For the privilege to carry her in my womb all those months, give birth to her and enjoy all the pure perfection that our Ellie Grace showed. As I think back to the moment I first held her in my arms, I remember looking at Bill and with tears in my eyes, saying to him, “She is perfect.” The pure bliss in that moment is indescribable. The joy that comes with being a parent is like nothing else. Whether it is a child that you bore and birthed or one that comes into your heart and family in other ways.

This day I have had memories and thoughts that I think no parent should have. The painful things that a parent who loses a child has to do, the tasks, the oh…I can’t even. I encourage my students to Choose Joy on a daily basis.

Today, I was reminded on my drive into work that we have a choice. One of my favorite quotes came to mind.

When darkness creeps in your life, in your mind, in your heart, in your behavior, CHOOSE JOY.

“It is time to sing your song again.” Matt Redman

God only knows:

When my faith will be restored.

When I will see Ellie again. What that will look like. Will we see each other, feel each other. How Heaven works.

God only knows:

Why people get sick and suffer on this earth, or lose their life to sickness, whether physical or mental.

If I will ever see the reason for Ellie’s passing. People say I will know. But God only knows if that is real.

God only knows:

Unconditional love, or so they say.

If I will be able to be the Mom that my kids need, in their lives, in their grief, and forever.

Their heart, in the way that only He can know.

He knows:

What the future brings and if Heaven is real. What the purpose of us on this earth is. True peace.

My doubts, my fears, my darkness, my criticism.

What my future relationships will look like. The decisions I make. Is there really free will if He already knows the steps we will take.

He knows:

That I have a hard time finding rest in the battle in my heart and mind of whether I really have control over my destiny since our days are numbered.

God only knows:

How we made it through this past year without Ellie. How people continue to rise each and every day after loss. After what seems to be the most unbearable pain. When I will fully surrender and worship Him again. How we moved with such faithfulness while Ellie fought.

He knows:

When our lives will be restored and how we can live His will out.

If my broken and shattered relationships will remain gone, and broken and lonely. If they should be restored. How I should respond to them. Keep them broken, or seek Him to restore them.

God only knows:

If I will be able to watch videos of Ellie again. Find joy in hearing her sweet voice and beautiful face.

I surrender!

Ellie Grace. I love you. I feel you. Always and Forever, you will be my munchkin.

…But people will never forget how you make them feel.

Maya Angelou

Here is a little of the song that spoke to me this morning:

Bless the Lord oh my soul

Matt Redman

https://youtu.be/XtwIT8JjddM

The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This gypsy soul is tired and weary. And, looks like little one is tired as well.

Some days I feel like I am on the verge of drowning in life. Some days, I feel like I am swimming. Either way, I feel like I need to keep it all together, whatever that means. My heart is broken living this life without Ellie Grace in it. My soul is wounded in ways I can’t put into words. Life is good. Yeah. So. Maybe. Life after grief sorta reminds me of life after having a baby, except you don’t have a baby to love on.

Returning to work from maternity leave is always hard, in so many ways. I know many of you can relate. Returning to work after losing a child feels very conflicting. It has been helpful in many ways, but I am weary. I am sad. I am dreaming of things to make it better. Those things I know not.

I still have all the pictures of Ellie on my phone that were there when she passed away. If I had to guess, it’s probably over 2k of just her. But, I don’t look at that intentionally often. It is too hard. That sweet, round face, that light complexion with beautiful blue eyes. I see her and my heart just sinks and aches for her. How. How in the world was I given the gift of such an amazing child, only for her to be ripped out of my life. Ugh…I can’t continue this right now. Through this weeping, I can’t catch my breath.

As I drove to school, I listened to Dave Matthews while Kat slept in the back. I was already feeling tired, weary and weepy, then I look down at the song and it was, “Grace is Gone.” And it hit me, and I said to myself. Yes, Grace is Gone. Our sweet Ellie Grace has left us here, but we hope that we shall meet again one day. Here are some of the lyrics that I connected to this morning. I don’t know the story behind this song, but I felt it.

Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews
Neon shines through smokey eyes tonight
It’s 2 A. M. I’m drunk again
And it’s heavy on my mind

I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river running through

Take my eyes, take my heart
I need them no more
If never again I fall upon the one I so adore

[Chorus:]
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
Sweet love like you again
One drink to remember
Then another to forget

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone

You think of things impossible
Then the sun refuse to shine
I walk with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine

Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll go
Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong
Cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart
My grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll be gone
One more drink my grace is gone

Just a few things that I wanted to share and then a few things turns into a bunch of things. So here is my bunch of things. It’s hard not to go through life lately looking back on what we were living through a year ago from today. And I really try to figure out how to focus on the things that we should remember and focus on?

So often these days I think we say things like one year ago today, 7 years ago today, And So It Goes.

So before I get into that tomorrow, I’m going to just get it over with. Last year this time of year it was just a few weeks after we found out the Ellie had relapsed and the doctors started talking hospice in that very first visit. Hospice referring to your three year old little girl should never be in the same sentence. It just shouldn’t.

Heartbroken, in shock, pissed off, broken, and just in some ways moving through the motions, I was willing to hear what the doctor wanted to do, which was connect us with hospice just so I could get a feel for what that might be like.

Not Bill though. He was hanging onto hope. Hope that our doctors in Dallas were wrong, somebody else somewhere had a better answer that did not involve hospice and Ellie no longer living on this Earth with us. Now, while I was in no way ready to say goodbye to our little girl, I think for me in some way I just went in to figure out what’s next mode.

Never in my life did I think cancer and Childhood Cancer would play such a big role in my life. I fought it playing a big role in my life I would say most of the time that Ellie was battling it. I didn’t jump in any support groups or make any fundraisers. For some people that works for them, but I don’t know if you would call it hope or hiding, but I just didn’t do that.

Last Thanksgiving we had been traveling to Houston to seek other treatments for Elizabeth that we thought might give her a chance at life. And after reaching out to doctors all across the country, we had a couple of glimmers of Hope. Really low percentages of her chance of being healed, with really high risks and limited research on drugs and treatments, but still there was a glimmer of hope.

There are no words that can truly explain the emotion that you feel in a time such as this? Some moments though, you’re soaking in every second you can with your child, and other moments you’re doing everything you can to contact whoever you can in the midst of feeling completely defeated and hopeless. You’re walking through life doing the stuff trying to figure it out.

So anyway back to what I was saying. Last year, Thanksgiving celebrations and dinner was not exactly the top of our agenda. We had some very sweet friends reach out and connect us with some people that brought us a delicious Thanksgiving dinner that we happened to get back from Houston in time to enjoy with just a few of our family members. We were tired, we were heartbroken, we were confused, but thankful to be back at our home for Thanksgiving dinner that we didn’t have to prepare. And thankful to be with at least part of our family amidst the Heartbreak we were living through. At that point Ellie was still feeling pretty good despite what her Labs would say and every time we go see the doctor they would ask questions, and is she complaining of any pain, is this happening, is that happening, and I think I just wanted to pretend that what he was suggesting would probably be coming soon was not going to happen. Looking back, I know better now. I know that those questions were because he knew that it was about to get ugly.

And just a few weeks later, it got ugly. Probably the ugliest. Ugly because I think we knew we were at the point of no return. That being said, we did keep hoping, we did keep seeking, and we did keep making memories. I will never forget the day that Ellie just out of the blue started complaining about leg pain, and it just got worse to the point where she was screaming in pain and we didn’t have drugs to help make it go away. She never really recovered from that point

And while we still had some good times with her over the next month or so, I had never felt so hopeless and seeing my child suffering that way.

So I didn’t know I had this much to say and yet here it came.

This Monday while I was off of work, Kat and I went to a local Camp Gladiator workout and then afterwards, we ran to the grocery store to grab just a couple quick things with no real plans of what was on the table for Thanksgiving dinner. What I did see though was sad and crazy, but I also had a sense of Peace about it. Not knowing what was on our menu for Thanksgiving just 3 days before Thanksgiving, while for some people puts them in a frenzy, I know the putting a big fancy meal or even a simple meal with a lot of family members or a little family members And the pressure of all that. What I didn’t have this year was the pressure of feeling the need of running around in that crazy frenzy like I saw so many people doing. And it was very ironic to me at that moment that I sat there and looked for a couple spices for my soup that I saw people move in and out around me fast paced and seemingly frustrated with shopping for Thanksgiving. The holiday that people say is for being thankful. It was a Monday morning at 10 a.m. and the frenzy was in full effect, and for what. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the stress and drama to put on Airs for the people in your life just because that’s what we do. And don’t get me wrong, I love a good Thanksgiving meal and time with family and friends just like the rest of us, but what this last year has provided me is perspective like no other. And in some ways through the Heartbreak, through the broken relationships, through the sadness, and the missing of Ellie Grace, there is some sort of peace that I would probably not understand otherwise. It’s not about finding the pumpkin pie spice or having the most beautiful tablescape or making certain family members happy because that’s what they need for Thanksgiving because that’s what they’ve had for Thanksgiving for every other year of their life and that’s their expectation. I don’t know what it’s about really. But what I encourage you to think about is make it what you want it to be about. What I’ve learned over this past year is that I think so often were brought up and all of these different Traditions or ideas or thoughts from the people around us that what we need to do needs to be done in just a certain way by just a certain person at just a certain time. But what I know now is there is no perfect time or perfect way or perfect person. So tomorrow, some of our family members are going to go run a little run in our new area of town and see the sights and cook some food with just a few close people. And why we greatly miss so many people that are no longer in our lives, c’est la vie.

Since I’m a teacher I’m off for this whole week, and I had no real specific plans for the week, but then an opportunity came up to do a little extra work on a short-term part-time job and so the last couple days I spent some time in the Plano area doing just that. And this little side job wasn’t anything super spectacular amazing or over-the-top, but I do think that our time was well spent and made some connections with some really cool people. oh, and a little extra cash to fill some of the financial gaps isn’t too bad either. Today, I started the day and ended the day with some pretty crazy people. People that worked out for over 2 hours in 1 day. You see I’m doing something called CG fit which is a challenge to eat better, track your food, pay attention to your exercise, and have some goals in place for a specified amount of time. One of my goals was to get back into more workouts in a week, and during that time I wanted to workout twice in one day.

So today I did just that. At a 5:30 a.m. workout and then an evening workout after work. So that was two hours of working out in one day. Now I have to say that is something I have never done once in my life.

Then afterwards to celebrate we grabbed a quick bite to eat, shared a couple delicious salads, with a couple crazy peeps. Crazy awesome, that literally ran circles around me at both workouts. Then knowing I had to still make it to the store to pick up a few sides to go with our ham and turkey at the house, I pulled into Market Street 10 minutes before they closed the night before Thanksgiving, and I filled my little cart with just a few things that are most important to us and I think will make a fine meal tomorrow.

What I hope for you is that as you move into this holiday season that you stop… and just stop. Stop to think about if what you’ve always done is what you really want. There was a particularly popular phrase at some point that keeps popping into my head, and it’s identified by the letters y o l o. YOLO! What I understand now in a way I never understood before was how true that statement is and although it can be so cliche we really don’t know what tomorrow brings so make this life what we want.

peace and love. Jen

I feel like there is so much to say, but I don’t currently have the capacity to articulate. Overall, I am feeling confident and excited for what these next few days have in store for us on our mission trip to El Salvador. First, it is beautiful here. I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of this wonderful group of people that have come together with willingness to help wherever we can to help build one of the communities into what they envision and provide encouragement for sustainable support.

After losing our daughter Ellie to AML on 1.23.17, I can say that Bill and were confident that we wanted to go on our 1st mission trip this year. As the days grew closer to us leaving for El Salvador, the doubt crept in about whether we had made the right decision. With a couple hours of sleep, we left our home hours before sunrise with what seemed to be plenty of time to make our 1st flight. We found ourselves at the airport in plenty of time to get through security and to our gate before the beginning of boarding. Feeling good to have arrived on time, As we checked our bags at the kiosk, we overhead a man speaking with the airline staff about being told it was too late to check his bags, and there was nothing they could do, so he had to take a later flight. You could see and feel the sadness in his voice, on his face, and in his posture. He kept saying, “I just need to get home to see my wife and daughter.” As I stood there waiting for our kiosk to update, and print our checked bags stickers and boarding passes, I empathized with the sadness and frustration he felt at how so close yet so far he was to being united with his wife and daughter. And, when I’m honest, thankful, that weren’t in that same boat. That we had plenty of time to get bags checked and to the plane to head to our mission trip.

Then the kiosk updated, and we too got the notice that it was too late to check our bags. What!?! The shock and disbelief we felt at what we couldn’t understand was happening. So, the journey begins. In true Johnson style, we rushed to come up with plan b, c, d, e…who knows what we would call it. I will spare you the details of how it all went down, but after lots of extra steps, a few conversations with various airline employees, some prayer and text messages requesting prayer for God to work out what we couldn’t, we found ourselves exiting a 2nd plane in Miami, where we were able to meet up with our group that was on the 1st plane that we were scheduled to be on.

Well, I guess I had more words than I thought, and a few runon sentences. I know that will make some of you crazy. Still sitting here amazed at how God worked out what we couldn’t. We have arrived for our 1st night in El Salvador, broke bread with some incredible people and briefed on what the next few days bring. We will likely lose wifi access so will catch you on the flipside.

Thank you for all the love, prayers, and support so far!!!

#ElSalvador2017

https://www.gofundme.com/elsalvadormission2017

Happy October 2nd. I am happy to be wearing my Halloween leggings today!

I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with some awesome girlfriends. We met at our church several years ago, and did life together through our church home team. they have lifted me andmy family up through some dark and difficult seasons. We have moved away from the Plano area and into new cities and seasons. We don’t do life together like we used to, but when we do get together, God shows up.

My faith has been rocked by the loss of our sweet Ellie. My life has been shattered in so many ways. I have been shocked and heartbroken by the people in my life that have chosen to remove themselves during the most difficult season. Looking back at the past almost 2 years, I realize that life without Ellie is harder than life with Ellie fighting for her life. While my heart was broken watching her fight MDS and AML, my heart was full of Joy because Ellie was in it. She was spunky, sassy, and her voice, her hugs, snuggles, and love were super sweet.

When I have the strength and courage to look back at videos or pictures of Ellie in the hospital, I long to be in the hospital. Some part of me believes that if I go into that place again, that Ellie Grace will be there, just like she was when she walked those halls being a monster scaring all those that passed her. Or when she would walk around in her doctor outfit. Nurse Ellie is my favorite nurse. There were also days in the last few weeks of her life where I was thrilled when she would barely get out the words that she wanted to visit the playroom or take a “walk”. In these days, though, it wasn’t her walking in the halls, as she could not walk any longer. She would either be in her stroller or in a baby carrier snuggled up agaibst my chest. How I soaked those moments in. There were days that I couldn’t stand being in that hospital, that I pleaded with the doctor’s to let Ellie go home, or for them to do whatever they could to get her there. There were also days that it was our home, or haven, or place of fun and connection to others.

This weekend my mind and heart was quieted as I visited Glen Rose Texas, and shared 2 days with friends that accept me for who I am, and meet me in my pain and brokenness. They lift me up and ride the waves with me. We started Saturday morning off with a private tour of Fossil Rim Wildlife Center. We sat together in a zebra Jeep, seeing some of the most magnificent creatures that habitat this earth. It was a time of quiet, as we waited in hope for them to reveal themselves to us. It was a time of awe and wonder at the beauty, wonder, and diversity of these animals. I believe God showed up for us that day, through our incredible tour guide, my friends, the nature, and the animals. I have felt what I believe to be God’s presence over the past 15 yrs. It is like the love you feel for someone that you feel, but can’t explain. You know it is there, and there is no denying it. You can’t put it into words, and you can’t articulate it and give the feeling the credit it deserves. What you can do, is soak it in, seek to understand it, and pray that you may bring it to others. You can thank God for allowing you to feel it. You can acknowledge it with those that you believe shared in those moments with you. And, it may not come often, or you may not be able to predict when it arrives, but you can allow yourself to be open.

I can confidently say that in these months following Ellie’s passing, I have often not been open to God’s presence. I had the pleasure of attending First Baptist Church in Glen Rose this weekend. The Pastor was speaking about Revelation 14, and that book fascinates, baffles, and scares me all at the same time. One of the things the pastor said was that “every time you hear the gospel, and reject the gospel, your heart hardens.” That resonated with me, and while I can’t say that I am rejecting the gospel, I have been resistant to keeping my heart open to God. Through that, I believe my heart has been hardened. And, just like we reap what we sow, our relationships are what we put into them.

My heart is broken by the people that have removed themselves from my life, and while it hurts every day, I also know that God is guiding me, and protecting me from the pain of those broken relationships.

As I rode into work this morning, I listened to Christian music, something I have done little of since Ellie’s passing. The song Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns struck me. God is the voice of truth, and I will not be afraid.

Then as I pulled into work, Metallica’s Sad But True came on. Sad, But True is what I feel in my broken relationships. I am broken, I am imperfect, I have failed my family and friends throughout my life, but what I have also done is worked hard to be better, do better, love stronger and authentically. If you aren’t willing to do those things with me, then unfortunately, we don’t have a future together.

I wanted to blog about my weekend, but for once wanted to leave God out of it. I know it doesn’t sit well with some people, and some people look at me as a hypocrite. That’s ok, though, I believe I have been called to share the gospel. Just like our lives, the gospel, is not all sunshine and roses. It is pain, and imperfection, blood, sweat, and tears. It is also redemption and Grace, Love, Joy, and Peace

Show love, be your best, be real, and true. Know that every encounter in life may have a broken person on the other side.

These 3 remain, Faith, Hope, and Love.