Faith, Hope and Love. Some days I feel like I am barely hanging on. Not sure what that really means, but this life after loss is tough. I do what I think is the right thing and then this grief just hits me. It is not like it was in the 1st few months. It still hurts like hell though. Sometimes I just wish I could have permission to sneak away for a month and not have to worry about bills, or calendars, or anything that real life requires. Now, I know many of you know that I am a school teacher and I have quite a few more days “off” work than most other people not in education. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that I take these things for granted. Maybe I do though. I am hurting right now. Something about August 1st I think. There are many things I know. One of those is that in just a couple of weeks, Ellie would have been turning 5 years old, and starting kindergarten, if life would have been what we thought it would be.
We relocated our home and for a year, my 9 yr old daughter and I commuted all school year, which made our daily time in the car between 2.5 – 3 hrs most days. We did our best to make the most of it. I loved the school I was teaching at, and we had too many changes in our life that I just couldn’t imagine adding finding a new job and leaving my school that felt like home to me. We powered through the school year, we did this gypsycouchsurfing thing, I made connections with coworkers and students that I am forever thankful for. I got to work at the school where our 2nd oldest son and his long-time girlfriend graduated from in June. For all these things I am so thankful. Now, during this time my marriage frankly took a backseat, and I know that my husband struggled due to us commuting. Our new house is a bit bigger than our old one and the big, new house can be pretty quiet when you are alone. I can’t pretend to imagine how hard that must have been for my husband. My daughter and I left early in the morning and most days didn’t get home until after 7 pm. And, then there were the nights where we gypsy couch surfed, where we didn’t come home at all because we opted to stay with a friend close to where I worked to save on commute time. While we had amazing moments with friends that never would have happened, I do know that some of those nights were particularly lonely for my husband.
I am struggling now, missing Ellie like crazy, and having a hard time. Some days it is not so tough, but there is always this underlying feeling of sadness.
We have been approved to attend a camp soon in Colorado that is for families that have lost children. I find myself having moments where I feel so lucky that we are able to go. Then I catch myself and say, “What the hell!?!?” I GET to go to this camp because I lost my sweet child, my lovely, playful, snuggly and innocent child. She didn’t even have enough time to make bad health choices that could have caused any sickness. And, so many times I really do just want to scream outloud, “WHAT THE $*@^%!?!?!?!” But I don’t, and I really don’t think it would help. I know working out helps me. And, allows me to release some of that emotion. I haven’t worked out this week, and I think that is impacting my mood.
Plus, I will no longer be working full-time as a teacher, and while I really do think it is the right decision for our family, I have moments where I am super freaked out about it. I loved teaching high school, I loved having a classroom to decorate and make my own, connecting with students and teaching them, laughing with them, and hurting with them in their own struggles. Last year while we commuted, I really didn’t have time or energy to focus on our new community. I want to slow down for a year and allow our family to take some time to connect and try to connect with our other 3 kids that are still here with us. With this, I know that there will be some financial sacrifices and things we will have to say no to. I am scared of the financial burden this will place on my family, and also the additional quiet time it will create not being so busy. I ebb and flow between keeping a super busy schedule to struggling to get out of bed. Like, being a college student stuck in bed kind of thing.
I struggle with feeling guilty about that. I know some people look at me and think it must be nice to have such a quiet life, with just the 3 of us most of the time. That quiet though comes with IMMEASURABLE SACRIFICE, PAIN LIKE NO OTHER, AND THE DESIRE TO JUST SCREAM SO LOUD.
Catch you on the flipside.
These3 