I wanted to share some some thoughts I’ve had lately about grief and my experience with it through losing Ellie. We recently had some friends of ours lose their four-year-old daughter to cancer and while we know it’s definitely hard for the family, it brought some things out in I believe both Bill and I. There are some things that I believe we can relate to with his family. We both know what it’s like to lose a child to cancer, even if it’s a different kind. And there’s probably a list of other things that we can share in common with this family. I also know that there are definitely some things that are different. I can never begin to say that I know what it’s like to be the parents of the little girl that they lost, it’s a different family, and a different cancer, it’s a different story. And with that, become more challenges than I expected and trying to see how we can be helpful to them. What I do know is our hearts are heavy for their loss, and I would say that we have a great willingness to support them in whatever way we feel like we can. I must say that I have never seen Bill so willing to do whatever I come up with or brainstorm of how we could help this family. It sure does suck that through this loss is the way that we feel the most connected to them. And while it sucks, Bill and I do believe that we have a unique position to help people that others can’t. And we do believe that good will come from the loss of Elizabeth. Sometimes it’s really really hard to say those words, and even over a year after her passing, I still have times were I’m in disbelief that this is really the path that we’re walking. It’s not like I question whether she still is on Earth with us walking around or whether she’s not, it’s more along the lines of how in the world did this really happen to my family. But then I think if it didn’t happen to my family, it’s gonna happen to somebody’s family, right? Is that the way it works? I mean before Ellie we never really knew of any kids with cancer, it always happened to “those other people”. What the h*** does that mean anyway? Who are those other people? And obviously there are many things I don’t understand of this path that has been laid in front of us so I have to just trust that there will be healing through this process. And that leads me to one of my most recent thoughts about grief.
As I was thinking about grief recently I related it to a gaping wound. Now I mean one of those big ugly almost raw to the bone gaping wounds. The kind that is hard to look at, the kind that is hard to touch, the kind that takes lots and lots of time to heal. To me that’s what grief feels like…Like a big Raw gaping wound. So I’m still formulating my thoughts on how that healing process works, but some things that have come to mindare these 3 remain. What heals a gaping wound? Let’s start with Faith. Faith in what? Then there’s Hope. I guess Hope should always remain. For sure, I have seen that Hope change. While Ellie was battling cancer, we Hoped that she would be healed. And, not the healing that she ulitmately received. Hope that she would be fully healed to live life and make memories here on earth with us. And, I must say, I often go back and forth on this one. The whole, “she’s in a better place” thing. I get it, I trust it, but is that really true is still a question in my mind. I trust that she is in a better place, and frankly, I envy that sometimes. Now, don’t confuse that with any sort of interest in suicide. There is some sort of peace I feel though, that once it is my time to go, bring it on. And, Ellie and I will be reunited. Hope has certainly changed now though. Somedays it is just Hope that I can find some sort of joy in the day in front of me.
Then Love. The greatest commandment. The Bible says Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and then Love others as yourself.
May your gaping wound be healed through Faith, Hope and Love. As I cling to these things, may you feel a peace that transcends all understanding.
These3 