God only knows
As we drove into downtown this morning, the song Bless the Lord oh my soul was playing, and as the sun was considering rising, and the grey sky was covering the cityscape, my heart was conflicted between heartache and peace. I felt the presence of God. I was filled with joy and thankfulness for Ellie being in our lives. For being trusted with the life of such an amazing daughter. For the privilege to carry her in my womb all those months, give birth to her and enjoy all the pure perfection that our Ellie Grace showed. As I think back to the moment I first held her in my arms, I remember looking at Bill and with tears in my eyes, saying to him, “She is perfect.” The pure bliss in that moment is indescribable. The joy that comes with being a parent is like nothing else. Whether it is a child that you bore and birthed or one that comes into your heart and family in other ways.
This day I have had memories and thoughts that I think no parent should have. The painful things that a parent who loses a child has to do, the tasks, the oh…I can’t even. I encourage my students to Choose Joy on a daily basis.
Today, I was reminded on my drive into work that we have a choice. One of my favorite quotes came to mind.
When darkness creeps in your life, in your mind, in your heart, in your behavior, CHOOSE JOY.
“It is time to sing your song again.” Matt Redman
God only knows:
When my faith will be restored.
When I will see Ellie again. What that will look like. Will we see each other, feel each other. How Heaven works.
God only knows:
Why people get sick and suffer on this earth, or lose their life to sickness, whether physical or mental.
If I will ever see the reason for Ellie’s passing. People say I will know. But God only knows if that is real.
God only knows:
Unconditional love, or so they say.
If I will be able to be the Mom that my kids need, in their lives, in their grief, and forever.
Their heart, in the way that only He can know.
He knows:
What the future brings and if Heaven is real. What the purpose of us on this earth is. True peace.
My doubts, my fears, my darkness, my criticism.
What my future relationships will look like. The decisions I make. Is there really free will if He already knows the steps we will take.
He knows:
That I have a hard time finding rest in the battle in my heart and mind of whether I really have control over my destiny since our days are numbered.
God only knows:
How we made it through this past year without Ellie. How people continue to rise each and every day after loss. After what seems to be the most unbearable pain. When I will fully surrender and worship Him again. How we moved with such faithfulness while Ellie fought.
He knows:
When our lives will be restored and how we can live His will out.
If my broken and shattered relationships will remain gone, and broken and lonely. If they should be restored. How I should respond to them. Keep them broken, or seek Him to restore them.
God only knows:
If I will be able to watch videos of Ellie again. Find joy in hearing her sweet voice and beautiful face.
I surrender!
Ellie Grace. I love you. I feel you. Always and Forever, you will be my munchkin.
…But people will never forget how you make them feel.
Maya Angelou
Here is a little of the song that spoke to me this morning:
Bless the Lord oh my soul
Matt Redman
The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name
These3 