Just a few things that I wanted to share and then a few things turns into a bunch of things. So here is my bunch of things. It’s hard not to go through life lately looking back on what we were living through a year ago from today. And I really try to figure out how to focus on the things that we should remember and focus on?

So often these days I think we say things like one year ago today, 7 years ago today, And So It Goes.

So before I get into that tomorrow, I’m going to just get it over with. Last year this time of year it was just a few weeks after we found out the Ellie had relapsed and the doctors started talking hospice in that very first visit. Hospice referring to your three year old little girl should never be in the same sentence. It just shouldn’t.

Heartbroken, in shock, pissed off, broken, and just in some ways moving through the motions, I was willing to hear what the doctor wanted to do, which was connect us with hospice just so I could get a feel for what that might be like.

Not Bill though. He was hanging onto hope. Hope that our doctors in Dallas were wrong, somebody else somewhere had a better answer that did not involve hospice and Ellie no longer living on this Earth with us. Now, while I was in no way ready to say goodbye to our little girl, I think for me in some way I just went in to figure out what’s next mode.

Never in my life did I think cancer and Childhood Cancer would play such a big role in my life. I fought it playing a big role in my life I would say most of the time that Ellie was battling it. I didn’t jump in any support groups or make any fundraisers. For some people that works for them, but I don’t know if you would call it hope or hiding, but I just didn’t do that.

Last Thanksgiving we had been traveling to Houston to seek other treatments for Elizabeth that we thought might give her a chance at life. And after reaching out to doctors all across the country, we had a couple of glimmers of Hope. Really low percentages of her chance of being healed, with really high risks and limited research on drugs and treatments, but still there was a glimmer of hope.

There are no words that can truly explain the emotion that you feel in a time such as this? Some moments though, you’re soaking in every second you can with your child, and other moments you’re doing everything you can to contact whoever you can in the midst of feeling completely defeated and hopeless. You’re walking through life doing the stuff trying to figure it out.

So anyway back to what I was saying. Last year, Thanksgiving celebrations and dinner was not exactly the top of our agenda. We had some very sweet friends reach out and connect us with some people that brought us a delicious Thanksgiving dinner that we happened to get back from Houston in time to enjoy with just a few of our family members. We were tired, we were heartbroken, we were confused, but thankful to be back at our home for Thanksgiving dinner that we didn’t have to prepare. And thankful to be with at least part of our family amidst the Heartbreak we were living through. At that point Ellie was still feeling pretty good despite what her Labs would say and every time we go see the doctor they would ask questions, and is she complaining of any pain, is this happening, is that happening, and I think I just wanted to pretend that what he was suggesting would probably be coming soon was not going to happen. Looking back, I know better now. I know that those questions were because he knew that it was about to get ugly.

And just a few weeks later, it got ugly. Probably the ugliest. Ugly because I think we knew we were at the point of no return. That being said, we did keep hoping, we did keep seeking, and we did keep making memories. I will never forget the day that Ellie just out of the blue started complaining about leg pain, and it just got worse to the point where she was screaming in pain and we didn’t have drugs to help make it go away. She never really recovered from that point

And while we still had some good times with her over the next month or so, I had never felt so hopeless and seeing my child suffering that way.

So I didn’t know I had this much to say and yet here it came.

This Monday while I was off of work, Kat and I went to a local Camp Gladiator workout and then afterwards, we ran to the grocery store to grab just a couple quick things with no real plans of what was on the table for Thanksgiving dinner. What I did see though was sad and crazy, but I also had a sense of Peace about it. Not knowing what was on our menu for Thanksgiving just 3 days before Thanksgiving, while for some people puts them in a frenzy, I know the putting a big fancy meal or even a simple meal with a lot of family members or a little family members And the pressure of all that. What I didn’t have this year was the pressure of feeling the need of running around in that crazy frenzy like I saw so many people doing. And it was very ironic to me at that moment that I sat there and looked for a couple spices for my soup that I saw people move in and out around me fast paced and seemingly frustrated with shopping for Thanksgiving. The holiday that people say is for being thankful. It was a Monday morning at 10 a.m. and the frenzy was in full effect, and for what. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth all the stress and drama to put on Airs for the people in your life just because that’s what we do. And don’t get me wrong, I love a good Thanksgiving meal and time with family and friends just like the rest of us, but what this last year has provided me is perspective like no other. And in some ways through the Heartbreak, through the broken relationships, through the sadness, and the missing of Ellie Grace, there is some sort of peace that I would probably not understand otherwise. It’s not about finding the pumpkin pie spice or having the most beautiful tablescape or making certain family members happy because that’s what they need for Thanksgiving because that’s what they’ve had for Thanksgiving for every other year of their life and that’s their expectation. I don’t know what it’s about really. But what I encourage you to think about is make it what you want it to be about. What I’ve learned over this past year is that I think so often were brought up and all of these different Traditions or ideas or thoughts from the people around us that what we need to do needs to be done in just a certain way by just a certain person at just a certain time. But what I know now is there is no perfect time or perfect way or perfect person. So tomorrow, some of our family members are going to go run a little run in our new area of town and see the sights and cook some food with just a few close people. And why we greatly miss so many people that are no longer in our lives, c’est la vie.

Since I’m a teacher I’m off for this whole week, and I had no real specific plans for the week, but then an opportunity came up to do a little extra work on a short-term part-time job and so the last couple days I spent some time in the Plano area doing just that. And this little side job wasn’t anything super spectacular amazing or over-the-top, but I do think that our time was well spent and made some connections with some really cool people. oh, and a little extra cash to fill some of the financial gaps isn’t too bad either. Today, I started the day and ended the day with some pretty crazy people. People that worked out for over 2 hours in 1 day. You see I’m doing something called CG fit which is a challenge to eat better, track your food, pay attention to your exercise, and have some goals in place for a specified amount of time. One of my goals was to get back into more workouts in a week, and during that time I wanted to workout twice in one day.

So today I did just that. At a 5:30 a.m. workout and then an evening workout after work. So that was two hours of working out in one day. Now I have to say that is something I have never done once in my life.

Then afterwards to celebrate we grabbed a quick bite to eat, shared a couple delicious salads, with a couple crazy peeps. Crazy awesome, that literally ran circles around me at both workouts. Then knowing I had to still make it to the store to pick up a few sides to go with our ham and turkey at the house, I pulled into Market Street 10 minutes before they closed the night before Thanksgiving, and I filled my little cart with just a few things that are most important to us and I think will make a fine meal tomorrow.

What I hope for you is that as you move into this holiday season that you stop… and just stop. Stop to think about if what you’ve always done is what you really want. There was a particularly popular phrase at some point that keeps popping into my head, and it’s identified by the letters y o l o. YOLO! What I understand now in a way I never understood before was how true that statement is and although it can be so cliche we really don’t know what tomorrow brings so make this life what we want.

peace and love. Jen

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