Happy October 2nd. I am happy to be wearing my Halloween leggings today!
I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with some awesome girlfriends. We met at our church several years ago, and did life together through our church home team. they have lifted me andmy family up through some dark and difficult seasons. We have moved away from the Plano area and into new cities and seasons. We don’t do life together like we used to, but when we do get together, God shows up.
My faith has been rocked by the loss of our sweet Ellie. My life has been shattered in so many ways. I have been shocked and heartbroken by the people in my life that have chosen to remove themselves during the most difficult season. Looking back at the past almost 2 years, I realize that life without Ellie is harder than life with Ellie fighting for her life. While my heart was broken watching her fight MDS and AML, my heart was full of Joy because Ellie was in it. She was spunky, sassy, and her voice, her hugs, snuggles, and love were super sweet.
When I have the strength and courage to look back at videos or pictures of Ellie in the hospital, I long to be in the hospital. Some part of me believes that if I go into that place again, that Ellie Grace will be there, just like she was when she walked those halls being a monster scaring all those that passed her. Or when she would walk around in her doctor outfit. Nurse Ellie is my favorite nurse. There were also days in the last few weeks of her life where I was thrilled when she would barely get out the words that she wanted to visit the playroom or take a “walk”. In these days, though, it wasn’t her walking in the halls, as she could not walk any longer. She would either be in her stroller or in a baby carrier snuggled up agaibst my chest. How I soaked those moments in. There were days that I couldn’t stand being in that hospital, that I pleaded with the doctor’s to let Ellie go home, or for them to do whatever they could to get her there. There were also days that it was our home, or haven, or place of fun and connection to others.
This weekend my mind and heart was quieted as I visited Glen Rose Texas, and shared 2 days with friends that accept me for who I am, and meet me in my pain and brokenness. They lift me up and ride the waves with me. We started Saturday morning off with a private tour of Fossil Rim Wildlife Center. We sat together in a zebra Jeep, seeing some of the most magnificent creatures that habitat this earth. It was a time of quiet, as we waited in hope for them to reveal themselves to us. It was a time of awe and wonder at the beauty, wonder, and diversity of these animals. I believe God showed up for us that day, through our incredible tour guide, my friends, the nature, and the animals. I have felt what I believe to be God’s presence over the past 15 yrs. It is like the love you feel for someone that you feel, but can’t explain. You know it is there, and there is no denying it. You can’t put it into words, and you can’t articulate it and give the feeling the credit it deserves. What you can do, is soak it in, seek to understand it, and pray that you may bring it to others. You can thank God for allowing you to feel it. You can acknowledge it with those that you believe shared in those moments with you. And, it may not come often, or you may not be able to predict when it arrives, but you can allow yourself to be open.
I can confidently say that in these months following Ellie’s passing, I have often not been open to God’s presence. I had the pleasure of attending First Baptist Church in Glen Rose this weekend. The Pastor was speaking about Revelation 14, and that book fascinates, baffles, and scares me all at the same time. One of the things the pastor said was that “every time you hear the gospel, and reject the gospel, your heart hardens.” That resonated with me, and while I can’t say that I am rejecting the gospel, I have been resistant to keeping my heart open to God. Through that, I believe my heart has been hardened. And, just like we reap what we sow, our relationships are what we put into them.
My heart is broken by the people that have removed themselves from my life, and while it hurts every day, I also know that God is guiding me, and protecting me from the pain of those broken relationships.
As I rode into work this morning, I listened to Christian music, something I have done little of since Ellie’s passing. The song Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns struck me. God is the voice of truth, and I will not be afraid.
Then as I pulled into work, Metallica’s Sad But True came on. Sad, But True is what I feel in my broken relationships. I am broken, I am imperfect, I have failed my family and friends throughout my life, but what I have also done is worked hard to be better, do better, love stronger and authentically. If you aren’t willing to do those things with me, then unfortunately, we don’t have a future together.
I wanted to blog about my weekend, but for once wanted to leave God out of it. I know it doesn’t sit well with some people, and some people look at me as a hypocrite. That’s ok, though, I believe I have been called to share the gospel. Just like our lives, the gospel, is not all sunshine and roses. It is pain, and imperfection, blood, sweat, and tears. It is also redemption and Grace, Love, Joy, and Peace
Show love, be your best, be real, and true. Know that every encounter in life may have a broken person on the other side.
These 3 remain, Faith, Hope, and Love.
These3 