I don’t know about you, but I often have times where my thoughts are moving so fast that I fell like I am unable to capture them and put them into anything that makes sense. At the same time, I feel this overwhelming need to put them in order and get them out. At this particular moment, that’s what’s happening. It’s 11:23 am and I worked out a few hours ago, had some coffee and got cleaned up. Then the thoughts start zipping around in my head. Here’s my best attempt to share them with you.
My dominant emotion or feeling right now is of thankfulness. Some of my most recent posts have had the feeling of sadness, heartache and pain. While depression is definitely something that I am battling in a way that I never have, I must take some time to express my thankfulness. I belief firmly in doing our best to walk in thanks. Thanks to God, thanks to those around us, and thanks to those that we may never see in person or meet, but they open themselves up to the world. I have seen some tough stories lately about families dealing with sickness. There is a 2 yr girl that was just diagnosed with MDS in another country, but we are connected through an online MDS group. My heart wants to reach out to her, tell her it’s going to be ok. But then, there’s this thing called defeat. The MDS and leukemia defeated our daughter, your granddaughter, your niece, your friend, your sister, your child’s sister, your friend’s friends friends sister…you get the point. I know I am not the only one mourning Ellie’s loss. There is something simply magical about carrying a baby with you for 9 months, and then meet them and care for them. For that opportunity and gift, I will always be thankful. There is also something gutwrencing about losing your child to death that you carried for 9 months. I know that I am not the only one to experience this, and I also know that I will not be the last. Mothers lose their children to death every day.
So I have tried many things to deal with grief over the last 6 months. One of which is working out, and I recently started seeing a new counselor, in addition to my counselor that has walked me through the last couple of years of life. While I will continue to see my previous counselor, I experienced something new with the counselor I saw yesterday. I don’t know the technical terms for it, but it is some sort of color therapy. I know there is science behind it, but from my perspective, I was looking at a picture of a horizontal lines of the colors of the rainbow. Then she had a process that she would walk me through and ask me questions about my grief. There was some deep breathing, some questions asked of me to share things, and then we finished. I worked through some tough parts of my grief that I have had a hard time putting into words. And, when I was done, I felt better. The goal was accomplished so I will try it again. Life is work. Grief is work. Marriage is work. Parenting is work. Working out is…WORK.
Life will not be easy, and the Bible tells us that we will have trials. Not if, not when. But when we do, read James 1.
So, I will end with my overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I am thankful to those of you that get up and out and workout with me. It has helped me in ways I can’t explain. I am thankful to the trainers that get ready for all the campers to show up and push us past where we think we can go. I am thankful for friends who meet me where I am. Meet me in my joy, my blubbering words, my desire to have some fun, escape at a concert, swim at the pool. All these things, the stuff is helping. While I still know there is no magic answer to this pain, I do know that I do have some magical people in my life. And magical people that I have yet to meet. My greatest hope is that I may be an encouragement to you. That my working and doing the stuff inspires you to tackle whatever difficulty is in front of you.
Going into this summer, I planned to workout under my new workout program, but it is an hour outdoors in whatever the weather may be that day. I hate working out in the heat. Heat is good for swimming, and that’s about it in my opinion. I was very scared to attempt working out in the heat. Ideal weather for me to workout is 55 degrees. But, guess what. Heat is ok. And, I often think of those that live in places where they don’t have the luxury of air conditioning, or a house protecting them from the elements. I started my workout program in March, and to date, I have worked out over 40 days (1 hour each time) in the elements. For nature and the sun, and trees, I am thankful. It has not been easy and there may been some not nice words said during my workouts, but it is done. It is finished. And, I move forward with Hope that I will continue to find myself in times of thankfulness. Thank you!
Love,
Jen
These3 