I told you, my hope remains. Always changing hopes, but hope will remain. At church Saturday night, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs (I have a few of those).
“I will remain
confident in this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord.
I will see your goodness.
I set my hope on you, Lord.
Come on we set our hope on him, sing it out!
We set our hope on You.
We set our hope on Your Love.
We set our hope on the One,
Who is the Everlasting
God”
Everlasting God
If I am transparent, I wasn’t feeling the worship that day. 4 songs into church and I couldn’t surrender to God. I used to love to worship God through music. I love music, lots of kinds of music, but there is something pretty incredible about being in a place of worship, surrounded by others, lifting their voices up in surrender to our Heavenly Father. For years now, that has been such a transforming time for me. My heart has been softened through worship, my eyes opened, and my love renewed for God, and even those around me. It cleanses me. Something changed for me when I lost Ellie. My heart has hardened. My thoughts are different, my eyes focus on things I never saw before. I am a big believer in this quote…maybe minus the destiny part.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
I am doing “the stuff”. Hoping that the stuff will make magic happen. I am an impatient person, I get bored easily, and poor impulse control will take over if I let it. I still hate that Ellie is no longer with us. Every day I hate it. I know, there are some ways to look at the brighter side. All those lovely cliches. “At least she’s in a better place”, “you still have 3 other kids”, “she is no longer hurting”. Yes, those may all be true, but it still sucks, and there is no magic answer. No magic answer to the hurt that I feel on a daily basis, even when my smile shows. Even when I seem to be ok, I’m not. There’s no magic answer to the myriad of things that will still cross my mind, or steal my happy heart, or my kid’s minds, or anyone that is also missing Ellie. Passing by the cutest 3 yr old, and wishing I still had my 3 yr old, Hearing of a 4th birthday, and remembering that my Ellie Grace never made it to hers. Well, those damn triggers again. I won’t keep going, but I am sure you can imagine. I remember Ellie turning 3 and being so thankful for that. That she lived to 3. That is just straight crazy, and nothing a mother should have to be thankful for. Or should we, should we treasure the little things so much more. I know I still struggle with that. I was hoping that there was magic that each new holiday, celebration, or exciting event would now be filled with pure joy and excitement. And, while I try, I am unsuccessful at feeling pure Joy. I do the stuff, I invite the people, I put the event on the calendar, but still no magic. No magic answer.
I don’t really like magic anyway. It just stresses me out and makes me mad that I don’t know how it is happening. I wanted God to show me magic in the way of healing of Ellie so she could stay on earth with us.
Don’t get me wrong, every day is not all doom and gloom as it may sound here. There are tough times though, and I know that will continue for ever. It will never go away. It will change, and so will life, and I do hope that we can create wonderful memories with people, and change lives for the better while here on Earth. I do believe it possible.
I was thrilled to be able to hear Steven Furtick speak this weekend, and I was hoping for God to show up and speak to me. And, he did. So, there’s that. I’ll take that and be thankful for it. He said that God is in the Gaps. Well, that’s good. I am not sure when the gap closes, but we press on.
For now, I will be content with no magic. For now, I will continue to Hope. Continue to Hope that I will again see the goodness of the Lord.
Love,
Jen
These3 