So, here is step 1 in facing 1 of my greatest fears…Being vulnerable with an audience of no limit. Opening my heart up to the heartless vultures of the online world. For many of you that know me, you know that I really struggled with opening up about our daughter Elizabeth’s medical battle with myelodysplastic syndrome(MDS) and ultimately Acute Myeloid Leukemia(AML). I have never wanted to be in a fish bowl. Looking back, I think fear was the biggest reason for that. I shared recently on Ellie’s caringbridge that I think fear is my greatest demon. That fear has kept me from so many things. I was not very involved as a child. I was shy, I know, for some of you, you don’t believe that. I was that child that hung onto my Mom’s leg when strangers would approach. As a young person, I don’t know what drove my fear, but I do think that now, it is fear of failure, rejection, criticism, exposed shame, and so much more.
So, a blog. UGH. A blog. I said those ugly words. What the heck is a blog anyway, a place to talk about yourself, brag, even more so than a social networking site. So much so, that I made the effort to go out and create my very own blog site. I think I am that important, right!? Oh my. Oh well. No, that’s not it. I know that I have made lots of mistakes, I have said lots of things that I would like to take back, pretend I never said, and there are numerous things that I am not happy to have in my background of decisions. That being said, shame and fear have kept me quiet for longer than I think I can handle. I can’t say for sure that God has called me to do this, but I am stepping out in faith that God will use me to help others. I am a school teacher, and as the school started to come to a close, I started to open up a little more to my students about my daughter’s journey and how that affected me. Also, how I thought I could use the heartbreaking journey to help others. And, as part of our Dave Ramsey curriculum teaches that the ultimate financial goal is build wealth and give. I shared my story to encourage them that giving is on the greatest things to be a part of in life. I believe that God has work to do through me. What that is, I don’t know. But, I have been encouraged by the words of others, and even if my vulnerability helps just one person, it is worth it.
After our daughter lost her battle with AML in January of 2017, my world came crashing down. All the fighting and energy put into trying to figure out how she can be healed felt in some ways all for not. Raw emotion was a constant part of my life. Navigating this thing called grief has not been fun. There was one thing that stuck in my head from the beginning of the season after her passing. These 3 remain. Faith, Hope, and Love. I clung to this, and still do. As many of you know, I was Chasing Hope many times through Ellie’s battle. When she passed, although I was hoping she could be like Lazarus, Jesus, or the little girl that was raised from the dead, my hope was not that great in those things. My hope has changed, and will continue to change, but not only do these 3 remain, but so do our 3 children. And, one of the hardest things about working through the grief of losing one child is that I have 3 other children to care for, love on, lift up, guide and be a parent to. And, even though some days getting out of bed was an incredibly hard thing to do, or some days, it barely happened, I always knew that God had 3 more kids that needed me. And, I was blessed to be their parent.
So, this blog has no defined path, just like, despite what we might like to think, none of our lives do either. I do believe there will be healing for me through this, as somehow, writing for me is therapy. I hope that it may be therapy for others as well.
Ellie was so brave through her battle, and that is the resounding encouragment and hope for all of you. Is that you Be Brave, like Ellie. I know her life touched so many people, and will continue to do so.
“Well, I believe that the depth of your struggle can determine the height of your success. I was inspired to come out of everything I’ve been through and end up in a place where I never thought that I would be.” R. Kelly
The irony of this quote is that while I don’t probably know as much as I should about R Kelly, I do know that our funeral director for Ellie’s funeral was R Kelly. I had put this quote in my phone because I heard it on the radio, and did not know the author of it. Upon research, I found out it was from R Kelly. Well, different R Kelly, interesting coincidence.
Be Brave, and know that these 3 remain…
1 Corinthians 13:13
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
These3 